so anyway i try to go asleep, make the pain go away you know, but even i can do that. im stuck, im lost, im gone. I cant do anything right, I could if i wanted, and yet i still choose the wrong paths, i know the other one is the right one, but iv always been a little chicken shit in doin something new, believe me i want to go down the path and be something to myself other than a piece of shit. But somedays i wonder if the shit is just worth flushing(my thoughts/feelings being the shit being buried inside my mind).

Im like this all the time, eccept for the other times when im close to...dare i say more. Dare i say anything to make my true feelings know so people can have some vage thought of what they mean to me, and what i feel like iv already lost in the sewers. Dare i say that i know you dont want to hear or deal with this shit, that its always that depressing thoughts that goes away. Well this one never has, this feeling, what is it? this feeling that hurts so much when im not talking to you or even when im talking to you(on the computer).

But it all changes in person, why do i always have to change. why cant i be myself, even tho i dont even know who that is. why can i tell you this and i want to see you, and that i dont care if we move fast or not, i just want you. thats all iv ever wanted and even though i have you its not enough, i know you dont want this i didnt think i did either, but im scared. people change when their scared. i dont wanna change though, because i dont wanna loose the on thing thats made me really smile for the first time really since i was a child.

I wish i could be a kid again, then maybe i woul't choose the worng path, is this path the wrong one, i think it might be. My whole life is almost nothing but wrong paths. But then if there are only wrong paths where are the right ones, and can i even sat that there is a rigt one. i really cant cuz ill never know i can cant change the past, i can only work towards the future. but idont even want to do that so what can i do, wait, like i have my whole life, no.

Life should not be one big wait game, not to me at least. Where is my reason for living, the thing im waiting for besides death, where the hell is my ending, when does the plot thincken, because this its starting to be one boring book. And you know what happens with boring books, people quit reading. maybe thats the reason i dont really have friends, im boring, so they just dont care. and then they say"but i do care", but then everyone remembers being wraped up in living life to its fullest potential, that they remember they never really thoguht of me in the first place, so why should they care.

why should i ask when i know the answer of why noone every talks to me or anything when i need them most, c'mon people am i that good at hiding my shit that you dont see i cover it up because i care too much. that i dont want anyone to hurt like me and yet, i long for some to pull me out of my shit, why? why not get flushed away like always? like everything i ever had and ever will be... a piece of shit.

no i dont want to be that i want to be something and you make me feel like im starting to be that something, that reason for living, you chimpy, i would tried killing myself so many times today if i didnt care about leaving you, because i dont think i can do that again.

I cant even think about the future anymore, because that means thinking at one point of my world without you in it, your the reason my world is revolving, my atlas(so to speak). I knew i felt this love for the longest time, everytime i saw you, still everytime i see you, you burn a hole thru my heart with your eyes, i cant explain it, is this love, is this what you feel like?

I know its love, i knew from the first time i saw you, but i didn't know you felt this same, i still think it just me, pushing and tearing away at me inside. Why are things so unreal to me, why do i aways think im the only one to have these thoughts, then my thoughts pan to you always, in my mind. Is this to much for me or you? Is that why we cant speak in person. I know why i cant because if i open my mouth the shit comes out, and i didnt want to do that to you, but its to late, i feel like im pushing on purpose, but i cant control it, am i crazy?, tell me im not, and that this was the right time to say all this shit.

To say that i love you too, because i know that the next time ill probally see you ill allready be back in my shell, not like this, not my self, not this piece of shit that i always feel like for masking my feelings and not speaking my mind. This pathedic useless attempt of a normal women, who has tried all her life to please other people but never herself. Well i dont wanna be this shit anymore, but i dont know how to change. I dont even know if this is really the real me or the shell of emptiness i become when im around people. Is this me, or am i the person who hasnt surfaced yet, the thing thats inside me that i feel in my chest, is this what that feeling is in my chest.

The feeling i get thinking/speaking/or even near you, that loving feeling iv longed for from only you, for you to bring out from inside my black soul. I dont want you to think anything i just want you to know your my hapiness and without you telling me i love you i couldve never been able to quit crying even though i said id quit i said that becuase i want to make you happy, and eventually that made me happy.

Seeing you smile makes me smile, im sorry im such a downer to you, it seems to me to be that way. but maybe its because i think to much of what you think about me to say the real things i wanna say. That aside now-for the first time in my life, because i feel whole, i feel like i dont need to say it because i can see it in your smile. You make me whole, and only you. Im sorry for putting you thru this.

I love you chimpy.



Mood:bit sad gettin happy tho now that i worte this
Music:clowns/can you see me now(t.A.T.u), Charlotte (Kittie)